As each day passes in my journey as a parent, and as my daughter continues her maturation, I know there are inevitabilities for which I must prepare. She will feel a parental decision is unjust. She will like music that I don’t feel should be classified as music. She will be more talented than I am in something.
Another of those likely inevitabilities is that my daughter will curse.
I am hoping that, when I hear it for the first time, it will be better than my first time when, at around age 10, while watching someone solve a Rubik’s Cube in under a minute on “That’s Incredible,” I shouted, “Oh s#!t!” My mother was less than pleased. Seriously, can you think of a better “Oh, s#!t!” moment than that? I’m still not sure why my mother didn’t respond with, “Oh, s#!t, indeed, my son.”
So, I have decided to do things differently than how I was raised. I have created of list of approved uses of profanity for my daughter. These will not only earn her props from me, but will help her avoid any punishment. (Well, as long as they are shared in front of me.) Any other uses are deemed inexcusable and are punishable by loss of cell phone, contact lenses, or whatever ridiculous piece of technology I’m sure will exist in five years. Let’s begin.
- “Mom and Dad, you are f@#king awesome parents!”
- “Dad, this meal you cooked is f@#king amazing! Can I have seconds?”
- “Hey Mom and Dad! You will not believe what I learned in school today! It blew my f@#king mind!”
- “F@#k Coach K and f@#k Duke.” (That’s just for my wife, who attended Wake Forest. I consider Coach K a national treasure and Duke an exceptional university. Duke Class of 2033?)
- Any Samuel L. Jackson quotation that utilizes profanity (Especially from the cinematic classic, “Snakes on a Plane.”)
- “Dad, what the f@#k was Willis actually talking about?”
- “Oh s#!t. That’s my jam.” (Because everyone should have a jam.)
- “Shaft was a bad motherf—.” (Shut yo’ mouth, my child.)
- “Dad, how did you play basketball with you’re a$$ hanging out of your shorts?” (Carefully and surprisingly well.)
- “F@#king _______.” (Filled in with the team she decides to cheer for, because all fans have done this at some point.)
- “Dad, you were right. The X-Files is the s#!t!” (Can also be used with the updated version of Battlestar Galactica and Marvel’s Black Panther.)
- “S#!t, d@mn, motherf@#ker.” (overheard while she listens to that old D’Angelo song. Can be combined with “Oh s#!t. That’s my jam.”)
- “_________ acts as if his/her s#!t doesn’t stink.” (Because people don’t use that phrase without it being accurate.)
- “Dad, seriously, what the f@#k were you thinking. Plaid pants?”
- “Dad, I’m kicking a$$ in today’s game, for you and mom!” (Go kick a$$, my daughter. In fact, kick lots of a$$.)
- “Dad, I’m kicking a$$ in this zombie apocalypse, for you and mom!” (Aim for the head, my daughter. They’re vulnerable there.)
- “Pardon me for asking, my father, but what does the word f@#k mean?” (It’s my duty to educate my child, after all.)
- “Dad, you have to admit that it was a pretty sh#!tty call.” (Can be applied to multiple sports related scenarios.)
- “Dad, you have to admit that it was a pretty sh#!tty ruling.” (Can be applied to multiple judicial related situations.)
- “Dad, I feel the only way to properly share this is with profanity.” (Then, let it fly, my daughter. Let it fly.)
Listen, I don’t want my child to curse. Who does really? But, I know it is destined to happen. So, I might as well accept and embrace it. Maybe you might develop your own list. And you never-Oh, s#!t! That’s my jam! Be right back.
Christopher Persley is an at-home father living in Harlem with his wife and 3-year-old daughter. He writes The Brown Gothamite and has contributed to CityDadsGroup.com, NYCDadsGroup.com, TheGoodMenProject.com, Dapper Dads Magazine, and Medium.com. He has appeared on Good Morning America, The Root Live, and CBS News, and he has been featured in Real Simple Magazine discussing fatherhood.